Praise for Dr. Harmonic

After getting a CPU upgrade from Dr. Harmonic, my Dell PC seemed to be slower than before. “Doctor,” I asked, “isn’t my computer supposed to be faster?” He smiled in that inscrutable way of his. “No, my son. The most valuable upgrade bestows inner peace. Is that not more precious than a few extra clock cycles?”

Indeed, it was. Thank you, Dr. Harmonic!

– Dilbert P., Mountain View, Calif.

My Android phone was overheating, so I asked Dr. Harmonic to take a look. After hours of deep contemplation, he explained that my phone was emitting negative energy. “What shall I do?” I asked. He smiled, lit a stick of incense, and began chanting in JavaScript. As the room filled with healing vibrations, he opened the phone and removed the battery.

Now the phone is as cool as a cucumber, and I’m no longer bothered by intrusive calls from friends or relatives. It was worth every billable minute. Thank you, Dr. Harmonic!

– Matilda H., San Rafael, Calif.

After years of trouble-free operation, I was sad to discover that my HP Pavilion was cheating at backgammon. Dr. Harmonic performed an examination and gave me a somber look. “You have a corrupt system file,” he said. “It wants to be paid.”

“You mean a bribe?!” I exclaimed. “No, no,” he said. “An offering.” He made the bitcoin arrangements and tinkered with the game settings. Now my PC is back to its old self and I’m back to winning. Thank you, Dr. Harmonic!

– Lester K., Walnut Creek, Calif.

The Frazzle energy drinks arrived just in time. Now you can have your website back. Thank you, Dr. Harmonic!

– Sergei, Sofia, Bulgaria

I suffered from a debilitating fear of technology that prevented me from achieving my life goals. A friend suggested Dr. Harmonic and his crack team of psychic counselors. They soon discovered that my phobia stemmed from a childhood experience with a domineering can opener.

After several sessions, I was freed from my demons and managed to launch a successful career in white-collar crime. Thank you, Dr. Harmonic!

– Anonymous, Cayman Islands

Life is tough for computers. You spend all day running around at billions of cycles per second, while some moron pounds on your keys and pokes you with flash drives. Then you crash a few times, and everyone thinks you need to be cured. It’s not “Oh, he’s just having a bad day,” or “Oh, he’s just a bit eccentric.” It’s always a BUG or a MEMORY LEAK or God forbid, a full-bore SOFTWARE CONFLICT.

But Dr. Harmonic gets it. He doesn’t freak out at every little computer glitch. He only freaks out if you don’t pay your bill. Thank you, Dr. Harmonic!

– H. Packard Pavilion, Reno, Nev.

My owner is a busy executive for a plumbing supply company. She frequently travels, and I often found myself on cross-country flights, stuffed in a seat pocket as she played video games. What a miserable existence! I mean, have you ever tried to have an intelligent conversation with a barf bag?

After counseling from Dr. Harmonic, she changed her ways. Now I fly first-class in the overhead bin, and I’m in a wonderful relationship with a kind-hearted plumber’s wrench. Thank you, Dr. Harmonic!

– Loretta MacBook, Sacramento, Calif.

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